I found out that Google is changing the way search results show up on WordPress. I used to be able to see the various search terms people typed in that led them to this blog. Sadly,* Google is increasing their security so each search will be encrypted, which means I won’t know if you got here because you searched “Sarah in Small Doses” or “Dozes people so funny.” It doesn’t really matter how you found me, though; I’m just glad you’re here. BUT some of the search terms are funny, so I thought I’d share them (don’t worry, it doesn’t tell me who or where** the search terms came from). I’m off to research facts about Guam!*** -Sarah
Oh! And here’s a random photo from three years ago today. Just in case we feel like griping about the weather…
Here are some search terms that have led people to this blog.
I stuffed a lot of things* this holiday season, including my face, a basketball,** and also 675 holiday cards that went out today. Unfortunately, none of you are getting them because they were for work,*** but I’m planning something for December/January that might serve as a nice substitute.**** But don’t feel bad, the cards were not personalized. I got, like, a dozen paper cuts on my tongue, several more on my fingers, and two on the sides of my mouth (don’t ask). It wouldn’t be the holidays without a little blood on an envelope, right? At least this year I didn’t have to use Wite Out…One of my coworkers grumbled about having to sign all 675 of them (because an electronic signature is too impersonal) but I not only signed and stuffed them, I folded, addressed, stamped, and sealed them (yes, I licked every one)***** so (understandably) I had a hard time sympathizing.
And by “you” I mean me. I’ve been in a weird, turkey-like mood, which I guess is fitting for Thanksgiving. So, while you’re hanging out with the family you were given or the family you’ve chosen, enjoy these. And for those of you who have to work, I hope this brightens your day. -Sarah
Which is a better term for that abbreviated vacation newlyweds take before a big, delayed honeymoon: half-moon, mini-moon, OR half-honey mini-moon?
Speaking of honeymoons, I swear I just saw an add for contraception that said “If you don’t want the daily dosing of the pill, and you’re not ready for an IUD,” then it cut to “White Castle.” What are they putting in their hamburgers?
Adding “son” to someone’s first name gives us a last name (Ole – Olson, Peter – Peterson, William – Williamson, Arne -Arneson, Ander – Anderson, etc.). Does that mean there are people named Hender, Simp, Dicker, Dickin, Hen, Hud, Patter, Par, and Wat out there? Also, shouldn’t there be some additive for the next generation? Andersonson*. Andersgrandson. Granderson?
Speaking of Anderson, did you know Sherwood Anderson died from swallowing a toothpick? Be careful getting that turkey** out from between your teeth. Yikes. If you want to learn about more unusual deaths, check this out.
Around Halloween I watched Ghostbusters (the movie) four times. It was awesome, but in this round of viewings I realized that I had been mis-hearing part of the main theme song (as sung by Ray Parker, Jr.). There’s a line near the end of the song when he says “Bustin’ makes me feel good,” as in ghost-bustin’, but I had always heard it as “Nothing makes me feel good.” What a sad child I must have been.
Which reminds me: My friends got me a T-shirt that says “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turner” on it and my inner child did a fist pump. Actually, my outer child did, too.
Childhood: Splinter = good, Shredder = bad. Adulthood: Splinter = bad, Shredder = good.
Stituation: the condition of your surgical recovery.
Injustry: another term for the business of law enforcement.
Zomboni: I want this to be a thing. I don’t even fully know what it would be,*** but I want it to be. Just the idea of some kind of slow-moving smoothing-over machine for dealing with zombies makes me laugh.
A zamboni almost ran me over one time, which, as I write it, sounds ridiculous–they’re so slow, right? But it’s true. There was a custodian in my high school who didn’t move to step around or get out of the way of anyone, whether he was mopping, walking down the hall, or sweeping with the giant centipede-like flat broom. One day I came to school late or was in the hall during class for some reason, and I ended up kneeling on the floor, pulling books out of my locker when he was making his way around on the riding floor sweeper/zamboni. He didn’t say a word, but he didn’t change his path when he saw me either, so–I swear this happened–I had to dive out of the way and do a roll with my backpack to avoid being hit. It was such a close call that when he passed where I had just been, he slammed the door to my locker shut with his machine.
When it comes to texting, I’m all thumbs.
I tried to join the Society of Vertebrate Paleontology****** but I didn’t have the backbone.
AND which of these is best:
I was going to become a vegetarian but I ______________.
a) chickened out.
b) pigged out too much.
c) butchered it.********
Happy Thanksgiving, y’all! I’m thankful for you!
*Not to be confused with Ander Monson, who is an awesome writer.
**Or tofurkey. Let’s not forget our veg[etari]an friends.
***Obviously some kind of zombie zamboni, but still. For smoothing out zombies? Icing them over? Putting a glaze on them?****
****Some people would say they already have a glazed look…
*****Strawberry, in case you’re wondering. And yes, jam not jelly.******
******Jam is made with pieces of fruit mashed up; jelly is made with fruit juice. FYI.
*******Yes, this is a real thing. It’s 73 years old. Or, 65 million in dinosaur years.********
*********Think about it.
Remember way back in March when I auditioned for an improv class? And then I got in and wrote about my first class ever? It feels like so much longer than eight months ago, but here I am, two days after my last class and the day of my final student performance. Whoa. For those of you who wish to reminisce with me, I’ve pasted the bulk of that first class post in purple below as a nice reminder to take a leap, do something that scares you, and let go of your inhibitions. For those of you who want to skip to my thoughts now, jump ahead past the purple.
I had my first improv class last week. It was awesome. The first rule of improv is to say yes to anything, which is usually a pretty good philosophy in life*. . . But more important than saying yes is saying “yes, and…” which means building on the scene. If you’re a squirrel and I’m a squirrel that’s interesting, but if you’re a squirrel, I’m a squirrel, AND we’re pirating DVDs, then we’ve got a scene.***
As frightening as it can be (even for me) to stand on stage under the lights, everyone else is doing it, too, which makes it feel safer. And, you really get to know who you’re working with pretty quickly. It was hard to watch some people struggle, but just like in my classroom when a question hangs in the air longer than I’d like, I’ve learned that sometimes you need the silence. People need a moment to collect their thoughts. Usually, it’s only a beat or two.
This week we worked on building/establishing relationships in a scene. I was disarming a bomb, plugging holes in a sinking ship, typing, and delivering Pepsi (not at the same time). I played a coworker, a second cousin, an employee, and a snarky teenager (again, not all at once). I think what I like most about improv is the chance to play and pretend—I’m not actually a smoker or an old man in real life, but on stage I can be. And I can go from that to fighting fires or climbing Mt. Everest or stealing a car in a matter of seconds. As our instructor told us, everything we need is on stage. Just grab it.
One of the best parts of joining this improv class is the people. At least half of the people in my class were not from the Twin Cities, and 90% of them are women.**** I even made a couple of new friends that I can geek out with about declarations and three sentence scenes.***** And, at the end of it all, we’ll be performing in front of a live studio audience. Okay, now I just got a little nervous. But it will be fun. And even if I bomb, at least I’m doing it, right? Yes, and…
Eight months ago, after my audition, I wrote that I was just glad I showed up. Eight months later, I’m still glad I showed up to that audition and every week afterward. I’ve forged some pretty close friendships with people, relationships that I believe (and hope) will continue to further performances and to adventures far beyond the stage. I had two teachers who were very different but each wonderful in his own way, and through the BNW in general I learned (okay, am still learning) how to deal with people of whom I’m not as fond (but no one in my class, they’re all dears). I’ve gotten out of my comfort zone so much that I’m not even sure where that was anymore. And I’ve gotten pretty good at it. My best performance was the Stage Match performance before this final one, and judging from our last class on Tuesday, I have no doubt that tonight’s show will be even better. I’ve learned what I’m good at (witty asides/straight man roles) and what needs work (volume, stage actions, getting to the “thing” faster), and I’ve learned how much I really enjoy and need a creative outlet, particularly a performance-based one. Thank you so much for coming to my shows, sending notes and thoughts of encouragement, and for taking this journey with me. I hope this commencement is (as the word means) truly a beginning.
*Except drugs. I’ve found Nancy Reagan was pretty spot-on with that one.
***I should use that in my
next improv class… performance
****The teacher said this is reflective of “the industry” right now, which is funny because I’ve heard that about a lot of things lately: post-secondary education, higher education, improv, etc. Go Women! Or something.
*****If you want to know what these are, you’ll have to sign up for a class.
Apparently, the first time I posted this the video was private. I hope I’ve fixed the glitch and you can now view me in all my nerdy glory. ALSO the first time I posted this, I forgot to tell you about my friends (see paragraph two, which is new). This is what five hours of sleep a night gets you: Sarah in No Dozes. I apologize for the errors. Next week’s will be better, I promise! -Sarah
Remember when I mentioned something about it being NaNoWriMo?* Yeah, I kind of forgot, too. But this past week I did pull out the second book and add a bunch of pages to it, rough though they may be, so I am participating. Sort of. It’s been a process and I’m tired. But this weekend I plan to do a lot of writing, revising, and submitting.**
I also plan to do a lot of voting. My friends, Lucie and Jason Amundsen, are competing for a Super Bowl commercial spot as part of Intuit’s Small Business, Big Game promotion. The Amundsen’s business, Locally Laid (or LoLa), is one of four finalists narrowed down from roughly 15,000 entrants. I’m thrilled for them; their mission is pretty simple, they utilize green business methods whenever possible, they plant a tree with every delivery, and they’re all-around awesome people. So, if I could ask a small favor, please click this link or type www.votelola.com into your browser, find the Locally Laid “Vote For Us” button, click, cluck, and you’re done. Vote every day from now until December 1!
So, the post is a little light this week, but as a consolation, I give you a video ***taken on Halloween in which, I think, I embody both Joan Cusack and my sister. Enjoy! And look for a special Thanksgiving post in two weeks!****
*National Novel Writing Month. Obviously…
**Gotta ride the wave from the last couple of weeks, right?
***The snorting is my friend, CH; the mouth breathing is her dog, Shadow.
****I’m hoping to have a post next week, but the one for Thanksgiving will for sure be pretty great.
I went to a 30th birthday party this past summer at which the friend/host asked guests to bring the birthday girl 30 of something (could be an inside joke like 30 “lucky” pennies or 30 ounces of a drink she likes/that you spilled on her or 30 songs on a CD–I did that one) but the idea was that 30 is a big deal and getting 30 of anything (straws, paper clips, confetti hearts in a little glass jar) shows how big a deal it is.
I just turned 1 billion seconds old (as a person) just now at 12:46 AM and 40 seconds. I just thought you’d like to know. I mean, in case you wanted to celebrate by giving me 1 billion of something. Especially something like coins. Even a billion pennies would be great. Or a billion views…
If you’re interested in knowing the exact moment you will turn (or turned) 1 billion seconds old, I used this website. And Happy (real) Birthday to my brother, Michael, in 23 hours, 13 minutes, and 20 seconds. I love you!
I forgot to mention in yesterday’s post that I won a costume contest for my Geek Girl ensemble. SO, yeah, that was exciting. I used the funds (cash money!) on some car repairs (my trunk now works!) and basked in the affirmations awarded to my handiwork.*
As promised, I am linking to an essay of mine, “Break-,” which was published over the past weekend in Sleet, an online magazine started by a fellow Hamline alum. I’m thrilled to have my piece published alongside so much wonderful writing. There’s an interview with Mark Doty plus a previously unpublished poem of his, as well as several other gems worth checking out. Click the link above to land directly on my piece, then peruse the others. Or you can type www.sleetmagazine.com into your browser if you’re link-leery** and scroll down to my name in the CNF section. I’ve also added this to the “Where You Can Find Me Elsewhere” page. And I updated “What I’m Reading,” “What I’m Writing,” and “Other Blogs Worth Checking Out.”
Okay, I know I didn’t have mono, but it made for a better title. While I was resting from my “mono-like virus” I did some handcrafting.* It was restful handcrafting, so don’t worry. I made my Halloween costume!
If we’re FB friends, you probably already know what I went as, but for those of you who didn’t see the final photo, did you figure out from last week’s teaser what it is? No? I’ll give you some hints:
1) I love the 80s (as evidenced by my iTunes Library and my Halloween costume from two years ago–Claire from Guess Who?)
(Photo of Claire card courtesy of http://thatsbangorang.com)
2) I’m a big fan of John Hughes movies
3) I’m a total geek
4) I wish I went to high school with Jake Ryan
Still not sure?
SO I’m sick. Not “reliving what I had for lunch” sick or “hacking up a lung” sick, or even “my nose now resembles Niagara Falls” sick.* I’m “somebody please ice my tonsils inside and out” sick. I thought it was mono but no no, it’s merely a virus. When the doctor went to feel my neck (because I’d told her my lymph nodes were swollen a fairly large amount) she remarked, “Oh my, that is generous.” Generous indeed.
Before I get to the post, I’ve included a photo teaser for next week’s special Halloween post (see below). Get excited.
Apparently, my inbox for the blog is also sick because I’ve collected more spam for you to enjoy. Oh, and I had eggs for breakfast (something mushy and hot), but don’t worry, they weren’t green.
♦Great info. Lucky me I ran across your blog by chance (stumbleupon).
I have saved as a favorite for later! (by a German poster with the word “binary” in his address) Thanks for making me a favorite!
♦Of course he is a little snot nose rich kid. Look where he lives. Seattle and California. But he does have that homing instinct for mommy and daddy. I have no idea who this refers to but it was posted by “wholesale Texans jerseys“, on my “It’s Late But It’s Funny” post, perhaps in response to:
♦I like to disseminate knowledge that I’ve accrued with the calendar year to help enhance group efficiency. cheap nfl jerseys from usa (posted by cheap nfl jerseys from usa)
I got two people offering suggestions on getting more traffic, (worded exactly the same) both of whom said I would thank them later… and
♦”Kathie” wrote: Hello, I am writing in an unusual case … Some time ago, I used your services, and one of your employees face was familiar to me. At dinner with my wife, it turned out that he was a burglar, who 5 years ago broke into our home!!! This is ridiculous!!! How you can hire criminals? I found at least 3 bad entries for him at website for background check [website which I have deleted] !! I am sure there are more!!! Please do something about it, things like that are ridiculous!!!
I humbly apologize for any malfeasance or criminal actions perpetrated by my employees. It’s a small operation; just me and…well, me, so if I did anything to harm you, I’m sorry. My apartment was burglarized four years ago yesterday, so I understand how frustrating and violating that feels.** I do not knowingly hire criminals, nor do I condone criminal activity. Please accept my apology and this photo of a stuffed cow.
When I looked up “funny Spam,” the internet led me to “100 Unintentionally Hilarious Spam Subject Lines” on the Cracked website. Warning: it’s NSFW. But hilarious. I didn’t post the link here because it’s really NSFW, but one of my favorites that is SFW (NNSFW?):
“just sign up and understand your life was suxx before.”
And these email subject lines came from my other spam folder:
NO COST VIP PASS TO ALL SLUTS*** FROM YOUR TOWN
Scientists’ discoveries to get chicks in your bed.*****
Here’s another photo to get you excited for next week’s post, in which I will describe the makings of this year’s Halloween costume.
Points if you can guess what I’m making…
*You’re welcome for the visuals.
**This is true. I have a piece forthcoming in Sleet that deals with the aftermath of that. I’ll post the link here as soon as it comes out. ****
***If they’re really sluts, do you need a VIP Pass?
****Likely tomorrow night.
*****Put a hen and a rooster together, wait about three weeks.