April Fools / AWP
I didn’t pull any pranks last week, but I am a huge fan of them. Just thought you should know. Here are some things I learned recently:
You cannot covertly eat a powdered donut.
Tampons work as field dressing for bullet wounds (or so says the protagonist/narrator in Jen Percy’s Demon Camp: A Soldier’s Exorcism).
The Bloody Mary was invented in the 1920s and contains (on average) roughly half your daily intake of sodium.
Jean-Claude Van Damme is still badass at 54.*
Trying to buy a car is a huge pain when you don’t have a car to get you to the car dealership.
Tilapia Filet would make a good stage name/pseudonym.
The floral shop on Snelling chooses a name and offers a free rose to anyone with that name who stops in. When I saw it the other day, the name was “Dorothea.” I’m guessing they put names that people have (but not a lot of people, like “Emmaleigh”) because if they put Emily or Kate, they would go bankrupt. I doubt they will ever pick Sarah. But fingers crossed for my sister, Libby!**
Inertia is real.***
Tom Servo and Crow are terrible at folding clothes. They are only moderately better at vacuuming.
Sometimes getting too much sleep just isn’t worth it.
Live-blogging is so much better with someone IRL nearby. And it’s even better when there’s an audience (hint, hint). Every Tuesday at 9 PM check into Bitter Critic to see what we’re watching. Next Tuesday it’s Agency of Vengeance: Dark Rising and the week after, we’re watching Gigli! I am ridiculously excited.
All it takes to feel like a legitimate writer is a set of actual business cards. (So shiny!)
I got them because I’ll be at AWP this week and I’m so excited to network! For those of you not in the biz, AWP is the Association of Writers and Writing Programs Conference and yes, I know that’s technically AWWP, but for some reason they squished the two double-u’s together. Yuse guys. Anyway, it’s a chance to network, exchange ideas, hear great readings, and generally geek out with other people who love writing of all kinds as much as I do. There will be lots of learning. My brain already hurts. In a good way.
The most important thing that I learned, or not learned but confirmed, recently is: My sister is the best. No, for real. I have a whole post I’m writing about it, but the most recent example of this is yesterday, when I took the light rail after working all day to pick up my registration materials for AWP, only to realize en route that I had forgotten the printout with my registration code and I didn’t have time to go back to work to look it up and I don’t have a smartphone because it’s a luxury I can’t afford**** and I didn’t know if they would have a way for me to look it up so I texted her to see if she would do that for me (knowing that the only reason she wouldn’t is if she couldn’t and/or her phone was off) and she said yes, of course, no problem, let me do that for you. And it makes me a little teary, now, writing it, probably because I’m tired and my eyes hurt, but also because it was a small thing and, at that moment, the biggest thing, and how wonderful to have someone who will say yes, let me do that for you. She is that–always, she is that–for me.
I hope you have someone who is that for you.
If you’re at AWP stop on by Booth 119 today from 4:30 until 5:30 or 6 and I’ll sign a copy of Prairie Gold: An Anthology of the American Heartland for you (which may be kind of awkward because then they’ll make you buy it, but it’s totally worth it, I swear). Say hi if you run into me. Come to my reading at Subtext in St. Paul at 6:30 p.m. tonight. I’ll give you my business card.
*I love Enya, but the music choice for that video makes no sense to me. I would like to see a mashup of Jean Claude Van Damme and John Hamm, which, of course, would be called John Claude Van Hamm. Doesn’t that sound delicious?
** Oh wait. Her real name is Elizabeth. Nevermind.
***I got going two Sundays ago in a cleaning/straightening/laundry-doing frenzy, and you couldn’t stop me. Most of the time I have the opposite problem lately.
****It’s weird to call a smartphone a luxury, since most people have them, and I probably could afford one if I gave up going out to eat (ever) or taking vacations or my Netflix account (which I’m not going to do). I’m afraid of living beyond my means, because I know how easy it can be. And most of the time I don’t mind doing things the
hard old-fashioned way, but I’m reaching the point where a smartphone is just, well, smart. Stay tuned.