Green Eggs and SPAM

SO I’m sick. Not “reliving what I had for lunch” sick or “hacking up a lung” sick, or even “my nose now resembles Niagara Falls” sick.* I’m “somebody please ice my tonsils inside and out” sick. I thought it was mono but no no, it’s merely a virus. When the doctor went to feel my neck (because I’d told her my lymph nodes were swollen a fairly large amount) she remarked, “Oh my, that is generous.” Generous indeed.

Before I get to the post, I’ve included a photo teaser for next week’s special Halloween post (see below). Get excited.

DSC01339

Apparently, my inbox for the blog is also sick because I’ve collected more spam for you to enjoy. Oh, and I had eggs for breakfast (something mushy and hot), but don’t worry, they weren’t green.

♦Great info. Lucky me I ran across your blog by chance (stumbleupon).
I have saved as a favorite for later! (by a German poster with the word “binary” in his address) Thanks for making me a favorite!

♦Of course he is a little snot nose rich kid. Look where he lives. Seattle and California. But he does have that homing instinct for mommy and daddy. I have no idea who this refers to but it was posted by “wholesale Texans jerseys“, on my “It’s Late But It’s Funny” post, perhaps in response to:

♦I like to disseminate knowledge that I’ve accrued with the calendar year to help enhance group efficiency. cheap nfl jerseys from usa (posted by cheap nfl jerseys from usa)

I got two people offering suggestions on getting more traffic, (worded exactly the same) both of whom said I would thank them later… and

♦”Kathie” wrote: Hello, I am writing in an unusual case … Some time ago, I used your services, and one of your employees face was familiar to me. At dinner with my wife, it turned out that he was a burglar, who 5 years ago broke into our home!!! This is ridiculous!!! How you can hire criminals? I found at least 3 bad entries for him at website for background check [website which I have deleted] !! I am sure there are more!!! Please do something about it, things like that are ridiculous!!!

Kathie,

I humbly apologize for any malfeasance or criminal actions perpetrated by my employees. It’s a small operation; just me and…well, me, so if I did anything to harm you, I’m sorry. My apartment was burglarized four years ago yesterday, so I understand how frustrating and violating that feels.** I do not knowingly hire criminals, nor do I condone criminal activity. Please accept my apology and this photo of a stuffed cow.

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  Sincerely, Sarah

When I looked up “funny Spam,” the internet led me to “100 Unintentionally Hilarious Spam Subject Lines” on the Cracked website. Warning: it’s NSFW. But hilarious. I didn’t post the link here because it’s really NSFW, but one of my favorites that is SFW (NNSFW?):
“just sign up and understand your life was suxx before.”

And these email subject lines came from my other spam folder:

NO COST VIP PASS TO ALL SLUTS*** FROM YOUR TOWN

Scientists’ discoveries to get chicks in your bed.*****

Here’s another photo to get you excited for next week’s post, in which I will describe the makings of this year’s Halloween costume.

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Points if you can guess what I’m making…

*You’re welcome for the visuals.

**This is true. I have a piece forthcoming in Sleet that deals with the aftermath of that. I’ll post the link here as soon as it comes out. ****

***If they’re really sluts, do you need a VIP Pass?

****Likely tomorrow night.

*****Put a hen and a rooster together, wait about three weeks.

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About Sarah in Small Doses

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3 responses to “Green Eggs and SPAM”

  1. Dad says :

    Okay, this is hilarious. I can tell that you’re sick because you didn’t write “to whom this refers” but I will give you a virus pass.

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