It’s Late But it’s Funny
Things have been a little joke-light in my life lately, and last week’s post was more heartwarming than humorous, but I know some who people are recovering from/dealing with health issues this week so I went more jokey* than genuine. I hope you enjoy it.
We were talking about mold the other day, and what constitutes “toxic black mold” versus regular old mold that just happens to be black. I think non-toxic black mold should be referred to as “Fool’s Mold” from now on.
I recently listened to a Geico commercial in which I misheard the gecko say, “All it takes is a green penis.” I have no idea what he actually said, but for some reason it made sense.
A guy told me he didn’t have a tweeter**, so the obvious follow-up was “Do you at least have a woofer?”
Overheard on the bus:
Girl 1: Apples have more caffeine than coffee.
Girl 2: What? That’s not true.
Girl 1: Yes, that’s why they tell you eating an apple will wake you up better than coffee. Look it up!
Girl 3 (me, in my head): It is too early to be this stupid. Especially when you have a Googly phone and can easily look it up.***
Girl 1(looking it up, presumably to prove she is correct): Oh. Wait. It says that people think apples have caffeine in them, but they don’t. They’re not sure why apples wake you up better than coffee. Maybe it’s the crunch sound.
Girl 2: Or the fact that you’re putting food in your body…
Girl 3 (me, in my head): Girl 2, please stop hanging out with Girl 1. Please.
I was playing “Whatever happened to” the other day and ran across Shannyn Sossamon. Did you know she has a kid named Audio Science? He’s EIGHT! How did we not know this? She also has a son named “Mortimer,” which, after hearing the first born’s name, doesn’t sound so bad.
If I had a Twitter account, this would be my first tweet: It’s a sad week for the United States when Miley Cyrus’s tongue has worked harder than the federal government. #getbacktowork #GrOwuP ****
Your “Awwwwwwwww” moment of the week: The radio DJ this morning said, “Between you and me, I really like you,” and I had to laugh because it was so earnest.***** I’m not gonna lie, if a guy said that to me, I might just melt into a pool of puppies and turtle sundaes.******
Which is a better name for a create-your-own candy/perfume store: My Scent-a-Mints Exactly, Cocoa to Coco, or Give Yourself a Migraine?
My dad had a detached retina last week, which was scary and also really weird because how does a part of you detach itself?******* And can other parts do that? “Look out for my detachable earlobe,” “Don’t mind that, it’s just my detachable spleen.” He’s fine now, but still recovering, so if you know him and see him, he might not see you. But say hello anyway.
I’ve decided, after several months of job-hunting without a single interview, that I’m going to become an exotic dancer. Think about it: they don’t make you write cover letters. Although, the interview is probably awkward: Check out my un-cover letter, ba-dum ching!********
As you are reading this, I am about to hear a funny, brilliant writer talk in the Friends of the Hennepin County Library Pen Pals series. If you’re at the George Saunders reading, 1) turn your phone off and put it away–so rude–and 2) come say hello!
*And only a few of them are puns, I swear.
**He meant Twitter account. I feel like if I told someone I didn’t have a tweeter they would take it the wrong way.
***Which is why it’s mind-boggling how much stupid, factually wrong stuff gets posted (and believed) on Facebook. Remember when everyone was wary of the internet? When Wikipedia wasn’t considered a valid source? We have become so lazy in our fact-checking. It’s like “It’s posted on Facebook, so it must be true.” It’s Facebook, people, not Fact-book.
****See what I did there? I know, not getting political…Seriously, though. I’m appalled that I know more about what the inside of Miley’s mouth looks like than I do about the ins and outs of the Affordable Care Act.
*****Even though it was said over the airwaves to millions of people.
******I don’t even know what that means, but I want it.
*******No, really, how does a part of you detach itself?
********Just kidding, Dad, I’m not going to become an exotic dancer. Don’t detach your other retina…