You’re Fired

Well, it’s Thursday, so I have a 50 percent chance of being fired. Actually, it’s 100 percent every other Thursday, but I’m pretty sure the odds are still correct. A guy comes into my office for therapy every other week and he always tells me 1) I’m his girlfriend, and 2) I’m fired.* I really wish he wouldn’t toy with my emotions like that. Are you taking me out for dinner? Do I get to go home or not? Luckily, my boss keeps “hiring” me back, although it would be kind of funny if one of these weeks she turned to me afterward and said, “You really are fired. We thought it would be better if you heard it from a familiar source.”

Well, it’s snowing. At least, it is here on WordPress. I love the way snow looks and sparkles when it’s freshly-fallen, and I love being the first person to make footprints in new snow. But, as someone who was rear-ended on a very snowy evening, I do not love driving in it. I dread this. Every year. Because every year some clown thinks that because he’s driven on snow for 30 years, he knows how it’s done and can speed and/or tailgate.  Please don’t tailgate, people. When you do, you’re not only trusting your brakes too much, you’re trusting the brakes of the person in front of you too much. Having a giant truck or SUV doesn’t give you a license to speed on snowy roads. And just because you’ve driven on snow for 100 years,** doesn’t make it less slippery. Ice is still ice and snow is still snow. Take a lesson from Quint; he survived the worst shark attack in history, then hunted sharks for a living, but the shark in Jaws still got him in the end because he didn’t have a proper level of fear and respect. When you’re out there driving on snow, imagine the white stuff is really a Great White and we’ll all be better off.

This is what happens when you brake and the person behind you doesn't.

This is what happens when you brake and the person behind you doesn’t.

I watched Jaws the other day (don’t ask). I had seen it a few times before,*** but not in the past few years, and amazingly, it still holds up.  Even in winter.**** So who do you think would win in a fight: the shark from Jaws or the Bond villian named “Jaws”?

I made the mistake of asking who would win in a fight: Mr. Miyagi or Yoda? the other day and everyone jumped on my back and said “OF COURSE it would be Yoda. He has the Force!” One person did say that it depended on if Mr. Miyagi could crouch or not. I had to say, yes, Mr. Miyagi can crouch. He’s like Oscar the Crouch. Then that made me think that I should name my sofa “Oscar the Couch.” It is green…I also want to get a mini-fridge to stock full of beverages and call it Stephen Coldbeer. What do you think?

For the holidays, I’ve decided to re-blog favorite posts of mine during the days leading up to Christmas and through New Year’s, a sort of Twelve Blogs of Christmas, if you will.

This requires a little effort from you. Please post in the comments, private message me, or send me an email at the blogs that you liked the best. Either they made you snort milk out through your mustache, or they inspired you somehow, or they just gave you the little pick-me-up you were looking for on that particular day. Whatever. I want to hear from you. Peruse the archives; I know there’s a few gems I’ve forgotten about. Maybe you have, too?

I will then re-post a blog entry each day beginning on Christmas Eve, December 24, and ending on January 4.

Well, the holidays are in full swing, and I just wanted to take time to acknowledge that the holidays are hard for some people, and maybe you’re one of them. Maybe you live far away from your loved ones and won’t make it home to see them this year. Maybe you lost someone special recently****** through death, divorce, or the dissolution of your relationship. Maybe you’re struggling in some way: financially, physically, spiritually, personally. Maybe you have circulation issues and winter is not your friend. Or you got rear-ended. Or you don’t like Christmas music. I just wanted to say that I understand. I’ve been there. The holidays–winters–have been hard for me sometimes, too. But I care about you, little snowflake, and we’ll make it through. Just like Roy Scheider.

*One time, around Halloween, he was in rare form: he told me, “You’re my girlfriend and you’re fired, I’m taking you to the Bahamas, and I’m going to punch you in the face.” I honestly did not know how to respond. I’m pretty sure I could take him, though, so don’t worry about me.

**I really hope you haven’t been driving for 100 years. Unless you’re this woman.

***Once our swim team watched Jaws in the pool, with the movie projected on the ceiling and only the pool lights on. It was great, until my friend Lindsay decided she wanted to get into the character of the shark and she swam around yanking people’s limbs. I’ve never almost-peed in the pool like that before.

****Let’s just say I won’t be going in the ocean anytime soon. I had a dream the other night that I was swimming with sharks and sting rays, and even though I knew it was a dream, and they were friendly (!) I still felt like we needed a bigger boat.*****

*****I also had a second dream in which I was at my friend Lindsay’s parents’ house, helping her mom make dinner (something involving hamburger), and they had a weird animal/bird-like creature/pet? called a monteeth. The plural, of course, is montooth. I need to stop googling weird creatures and eating junk food before bed.

****** Or not-so-recently–grief has no time frame.


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4 responses to “You’re Fired”

  1. Michael says :

    Yoda could beat Miyagi. Jaws shark would beat Jaws Bond character. I like the snort milk throuhg your mustache – I read a book review that said it made the reader laught so hard he/she snorted milk through their nose and they weren’t even drinking it. I had a dream once about getting a shark tooth while he was swimming – it was loose and he was sore. Then some kid on the t-ball team I coached showed up with a shark-tooth necklace to a game. Weird.

    • sarahwithanh25 says :

      I think everyone’s clear that Yoda could beat Miyagi. But I think the Bond character would put up a good fight against shark Jaws. That was a great book review quote–I’ll have to steal (borrow) it sometime. It’s weird how dreams relate to real life sometimes. I dreamed about a cockroach and the next day the exterminator came. Weird.

  2. Evan Kingston says :

    My vote for favorite post is “may-no-naise”, despite how incorrect it was in every way.

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