Daniel Craig Carries a Purse…
…in his lips! Man, that guy can pout. I read an interview with his stunt double,* who said the hardest part of doing stunts for the new movie, Skyfall, was that the director would say after a take, “That was great what you did there, jumping over three cars and landing on a 2″ pipe with your motorcycle before sliding down an embankment and ending up back on your wheels. Can you do it again, but maybe purse your lips a little more?” If we ever play charades and you see me pout, it’s not because I’m losing. The answer is either Angelina Jolie or Daniel Craig.
Speaking of Daniel Craig, if Pierce Brosnan is the thinking man’s Bond, Daniel Craig is the punching man’s Bond. The bondsman’s Bond, if you will. Or maybe Chuck Norris’s Bond. What he does seems more like a**-kicking than espionage, but maybe that’s what we want out of our spies nowadays?**
Speaking of spies, I took a spy class once,*** and we role-played being secret agents, contacts, honeypots, and other related characters. It was a Who’s Who of who’s who? No seriously, who are you? Just tell me. It was an interesting class, but I wish we had read more “literary” spy novels and less John Sanford.****
Speaking of overrated writers, I was going to make a joke about a couple of authors whose works have become wildly popular for a reason completely unknown to me, but since they are making millions off of trashy vampire books and S&M smut, despite not being able to write, I didn’t want to give them more press. I think from now on, I’m sticking with Mensa-rated writers.
Speaking of genius, say what you will about Outkast, but “shake it like a Polaroid picture” is exactly the type of descriptive, evocative prose I aspire to write.*****
Abscessed teeth = molaroids.
Well, it’s the holiday season. I know this because I signed, folded, stuffed, sealed******, stamped, addressed, and sent roughly 600 cards for my office. I did this last year and the year before as well, but this time I came away with only a few paper cuts on my tongue. Last year, somehow I cut my finger and bled all over a bunch of the finished (stuffed, sealed, stamped) envelopes. Not like “arterial spray” bled, but more like “hemophiliac with a bug bite” bled. It was terrible. I tried licking my finger and wiping the spots up but then they spread. I didn’t want to waste postage. Or envelopes. Or labels. What do you do in that situation? Well, I did what I think most people would do: Use Wite-out.******* And you know what? It worked. I may not be a spy, but I think MacGyver would be proud. Which is good, because I had the biggest crush on Richard Dean Anderson. Swoon.
Stop back tomorrow for a special Friday bonus post! Excited? You should be.
*I made that up. But I believe it to be true, so that counts, right?
**Actual spying nowadays, real espionage and surveillance, involves a lot of computer jargon and IT stuff. But watching the Geek Squad type and analyze code, as a movie, probably wouldn’t be exciting. Strangling someone in your knee-pit underwater, on the other hand, is very exciting.
***Well, it was a class about spy novels, but it felt very clandestine.
****We only read one John Sanford novel, and that was one too many.
*****I’m being completely serious. You can picture exactly what Andre3000 is talking about in that one phrase.
******I licked every single one. Every. Single. One.
*******Yes, it was brand-name white-out. Only the best for covering up blood spots!