There’s a Joke in Here Somewhere
Looking over some notes I wrote during my hiatus for thesis, I found several beginnings and things I thought might be funny but maybe aren’t quite there yet. Here they are. Bear with me. I just wrote a book! -Sarah
Think spelling doesn’t matter? Tell that to Andrew the Giant, Stat Trooper. He deals with probability like a champ. (Or duels with probability like a chump?)
I mis-typed something the other day: intoxicaged. I imagine it as being imprisoned by poison.*
I also wrote down this, which I believe I typed but maybe I dreamed it: “their argument was interrupted by a basketball game.”
David Arquette is Luke Wilson fan fiction.
Someone handed me a 5-hour Energy the other day, which is just like saying, “You look tired.” “You look tired” is just a nice way of saying “You look terrible,” which is just a nicer way of saying, “What’s wrong with your face?”
Bob Dylan has a new CD out. I’m not from Minnesota, but I live here now, so I feel torn. On the one hand, I want to support local** music. On the other hand, his voice, while never melodic,*** now sounds like ****he spent his “long and wasted years” smoking cigarettes made of 400 grit sandpaper and gargling crud from every oil spill in North America since 1969 (46, to be exact). He sounds like someone threw a bag of nails into a rock tumbler on a bus that has chains on its tires. I appreciate his artistry and the poetry of his lyrics and blah blah blah, Lay Lady Lay (while grammatically incorrect) is one of my favorite romantic songs. But the man is lucky he started his career when no one cared much what you looked or sounded like. Just sayin’.
Speaking of [fairly unattractive but wildly popular for some strange reason] rock ‘n’ rollers, what is with the semi-recent obsession with Mick Jagger? Note the lyrics by Ke$ha: “We kick ’em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.” Seriously? If someone who looks like Mick Jagger but is NOT Mick Jagger came up to my door, I would definitely kick him to the curb. Actually, if actual Mick Jagger came to my door, I would probably also kick him to the curb. To be fair, he’s about 30 years too old for me. And Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger” is also weird. You know who had moves like Jagger? Dana Carvey as the Church Lady. I’m just waiting for some couple to name their baby McJagger. Boy or girl. And I want the Weird Al remix, Moves Like Jager.
There’s a joke in here somewhere but I can’t quite get at it yet:
Art Garfunkel’s carbuncle
Celebrities who SHOULD endorse alternate-fuel vehicles and their automotive counterparts–GO!
Winnie Cooper in a Mini Cooper
Bart Starr in a smart car
Hulk Hogan in the Welcome Wagon—wait…
It’s officially bell-ringer-on-every-corner season. Even though the sound of constant ringing will now saturate my commute, I’m glad it’s bells and not the failed fundraising strategies by the Salvation Army:
train whistle on every corner
cowbell on every corner
bullhorn on every corner
bullwhip on every corner*****
Next week I’ll have a special Thanksgiving post. Stop on back and check it out!
*impoisoned? Stop, you’re making me noi-vous!
**Can Bob Dylan still be considered local?
***I do a really good Dylan impression. You just sing through your nose and don’t hit any consonants.*****
****Okay, this video is kind of endearing. But his voice!
*****I’m sorry, I’ll stop picking on him now.
******What?! Didn’t see that coming did you?