Bobs Your Uncle
They have these new shoes called Bobs. Bobs are basically Toms, but made by Skechers. Bobs/Toms have to be the ugliest shoes I have ever seen. There. I said it.* I’m sure they’re comfortable. Or something. But they look like someone took a colored Ace bandage and wrapped it around his foot and then sewed, displaying a complete disregard for appearance. They’re basically the shoes little old ladies have been wearing for years, but less attractively made.** I get that they’re socially conscious and environmentally friendly, but they are uuuugggggllllly. Just like Uggs.
Speaking of, Uggs are basically when a moon boot mates with a slipper. They, along with Jeggings, muumuus, and pajama jeans, have me convinced that we are about five years away from just wearing Snuggies everywhere. Or togas. Well, they say fashion repeats itself.
Overheard the other day:
Cop to homeless man holding a large piece of driftwood: “Well, good luck with your driftwood.” I get that this is the land of lakes, but where in Downtown Minneapolis do you get a piece of driftwood?
Working downtown allows me to encounter a variety of people. The other day I saw one man jump on/punch another man’s back and when the victim turned around, the perpetrator said, “Oh I didn’t realize it was you.” Well, who did you think it was? The other person you know who looks like this?
Unfortunately, I end up walking past the street solicitors every day. You know, the ones who are trying to get you to “spare a moment for the environment,” or children or gay rights. Which are all good things to spare a moment for, but 1) I pass them EVERY DAY, 2) I am usually on my way to the bus and just want to get out of there, 3) they are relentless. The other day when I saw a cluster of them, I made eye contact and deliberately walked in the opposite direction. I had my iPod out and mouthed, “I don’t want to talk to you,” while simultaneously shaking my head in the international symbol for “no.” Despite all of these things, a very enthusiastic young man took an exaggerated step towards me and in an overly cheerful voice asked me if I wanted to spare a moment to talk about being a woman. I feel for them, I do, because their job is basically the in-person version of telemarketing, but I would love to start soliciting to end solicitation. Can you imagine? All I’d need to do is tell people it’s the last petition they’d ever have to sign. “Hate what I’m doing right now? Come sign my petition and make solicitors like me disappear.”
I’ve also seen two men walking around with their pants so low (and no shirt on) that I could see ALL of their underwear. One was wearing tighty whities**** and I could actually see skin below the underwear. I wanted to ask him, “What exactly is the purpose of your pants? There isn’t even the illusion that you’re fully dressed, like with other low-slung pants people.” In this case the pants only seemed to hinder the way he walked and seriously tempted me to de-short him. I often want to de-short people with low slung pants, but not in a malicious way, just in a “up or down, but not in the middle” way. Think about it: he’s already halfway there, I’m just helping him along. And he can’t catch me; he couldn’t even chase me if I left his pants alone. I’m surprised more criminals haven’t targeted these people. Grab the wallet, yank down the pants, and run.*****
I accidentally typed “humor resources” instead of “human resources” on a report. Can you imagine how much better your job would be with a department like that? Sigh. At least this was a short week for most people. Have a great weekend y’all!
*I’m sorry, hipsters. They’re just so ugly. I feel like this is an “Emporer’s New Clothes” situation and I’m the child decrying the emporer’s fashion faux pas.
**I mean, the toe is square and has two visible seams in the front. I’m pretty sure a seventh grader in home ec*** could do better than that.
***I mean, family and consumer education.
****They were actually dark grey. Yes, I spell grey with an “e.”
*****Sarah DOES NOT condone robbery, theft, or other crimes, nor does she support de-shorting/pantsing people. Even though it is tempting.