Bobs Your Uncle

They have these new shoes called Bobs. Bobs are basically Toms, but made by Skechers. Bobs/Toms have to be the ugliest shoes I have ever seen. There. I said it.* I’m sure they’re comfortable. Or something. But they look like someone took a colored Ace bandage and wrapped it around his foot and then sewed, displaying a complete disregard for appearance. They’re basically the shoes little old ladies have been wearing for years, but less attractively made.** I get that they’re socially conscious and environmentally friendly, but they are uuuugggggllllly. Just like Uggs.

Speaking of, Uggs are basically when a moon boot mates with a slipper. They, along with Jeggings, muumuus, and pajama jeans, have me convinced that we are about five years away from just wearing Snuggies everywhere. Or togas. Well, they say fashion repeats itself.

Overheard the other day:

Cop to homeless man holding a large piece of driftwood: “Well, good luck with your driftwood.” I get that this is the land of lakes, but where in Downtown Minneapolis do you get a piece of driftwood?

Working downtown allows me to encounter a variety of people. The other day I saw one man jump on/punch another man’s back and when the victim turned around, the perpetrator said, “Oh I didn’t realize it was you.” Well, who did you think it was? The other person you know who looks like this?

Unfortunately, I end up walking past the street solicitors every day. You know, the ones who are trying to get you to “spare a moment for the environment,” or children or gay rights. Which are all good things to spare a moment for, but 1) I pass them EVERY DAY, 2) I am usually on my way to the bus and just want to get out of there, 3) they are relentless. The other day when I saw a cluster of them, I made eye contact and deliberately walked in the opposite direction. I had my iPod out and mouthed, “I don’t want to talk to you,” while simultaneously shaking my head in the international symbol for “no.” Despite all of these things, a very enthusiastic young man took an exaggerated step towards me and in an overly cheerful voice asked me if I wanted to spare a moment to talk about being a woman. I feel for them, I do, because their job is basically the in-person version of telemarketing, but I would love to start soliciting to end solicitation. Can you imagine? All I’d need to do is tell people it’s the last petition they’d ever have to sign. “Hate what I’m doing right now? Come sign my petition and make solicitors like me disappear.”

I’ve also seen two men walking around with their pants so low (and no shirt on) that I could see ALL of their underwear. One was wearing tighty whities**** and I could actually see skin below the underwear. I wanted to ask him, “What exactly is the purpose of your pants? There isn’t even the illusion that you’re fully dressed, like with other low-slung pants people.” In this case the pants only seemed to hinder the way he walked and seriously tempted me to de-short him. I often want to de-short people with low slung pants, but not in a malicious way, just in a “up or down, but not in the middle” way. Think about it: he’s already halfway there, I’m just helping him along. And he can’t catch me; he couldn’t even chase me if I left his pants alone. I’m surprised more criminals haven’t targeted these people. Grab the wallet, yank down the pants, and run.*****

I accidentally typed “humor resources” instead of “human resources” on a report. Can you imagine how much better your job would be with a department like that? Sigh. At least this was a short week for most people. Have a great weekend y’all!

 

*I’m sorry, hipsters. They’re just so ugly. I feel like this is an “Emporer’s New Clothes” situation and I’m the child decrying the emporer’s fashion faux pas.

**I mean, the toe is square and has two visible seams in the front. I’m pretty sure a seventh grader in home ec*** could do better than that.

***I mean, family and consumer education.

****They were actually dark grey. Yes, I spell grey with an “e.”

*****Sarah DOES NOT condone robbery, theft, or other crimes, nor does she support de-shorting/pantsing people. Even though it is tempting.

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8 responses to “Bobs Your Uncle”

  1. Sara Dailey says :

    Everytime I see someone with their pants hanging low, I wonder what kind of back problems they will have when older. I mean, if you have to walk funny just so your pants won’t fall off, sooner or later it is going to take a toll. Also, it means you’ll fail if trying to run from a) an angry bear b) a madman with a knife or, in my neighborhood c) the cops. I’ve seen it happen.

    • sarahwithanh25 says :

      You are not alone in this, Sara. My friend Krisanne, who’s a nurse, posed the same question. What I want to know is where you live that you’ve seen someone fall when chased by the cops?

  2. themooninautumn says :

    “The other day when I saw a cluster of them, I made eye contact and deliberately walked in the opposite direction. I had my iPod out and mouthed, “I don’t want to talk to you,” while simultaneously shaking my head in the international symbol for “no.” Despite all of these things, a very enthusiastic young man took an exaggerated step towards me and in an overly cheerful voice asked me if I wanted to spare a moment to talk about being a woman.”

    Seriously? I wish I had been there to watch. And the pants thing was great. When I watch folks with really low slung pants crossing the street and then realize the light’s going to change while they’re still in the middle, and they have to hold on to their pants daintily as they run, and it looks like ladies holding up their skirts to run, which is an image that I rather like, I find myself laughing helplessly.

    • sarahwithanh25 says :

      I’m with you, MIA. Unfortunately, my face must say “I want to talk” even when my body says “Go away.” I have the same problem on airplanes. One time I had a book out, had my earbuds in, and was dozing and the woman next to me actually had to almost shout to get my attention. Some people are not very good at interpreting body language.

      And I’m with you: I like the image of ladies holding up their skirts to run. Imagining that as the people running across the street holding up their pants is too funny.

  3. Michael Turner says :

    Interesting blog. I used to slighlly sag pants and shorts in order to cover the milky whiteness of my upper legs. But belts are great and you do need to be somewhat active in pants/shorts. Funny about the driftwood too.

    • sarahwithanh25 says :

      You and your milky white legs. And this isn’t slight sagging, this is basically not wearing shorts/pants. Or trying to get the lower coverage of pants while wearing shorts that do not give the upper coverage of either. The worst part is, most of them DO wear belts because their pants would slip completely off otherwise, so it is definitely deliberate.

  4. rizzorob says :

    TOMS are the most comfortable shoes in the world. Which matters, because I have funny feet that hurt in most other shoes. They have a third-world aesthetic, but only because we here in the first world are spoiled by our ridiculous array of footwear design. But other than that, I agree with the observations in your post. I was stuck talking to a Greenpeace girl because I thought she was a hippy that I went to college with. So I smiled and walked up to her. Turns out, she wasn’t who I thought she was. Next time, I’m just going to say, “I’m sorry, I thought you were somebody else” and walk away.

    • sarahwithanh25 says :

      I’m glad you find them comfortable, Rob. I’ve heard conflicting things about their comfort level, although I have to imagine that it is the comfort that has kept them around. And I’ve definitely mistaken a stranger for someone I know, but more often than not I’m the one they mistake for a friend. Weird. I guess I just have one of those faces.

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