A Whole Lot of What ifs*

What if you were allergic to calamine lotion? That would be the worst.**

The other day I saw a man in a motorized wheelchair towing a woman in a manual wheelchair and I thought, “What if there was a service you could call for that?” Not just for repairs, but like calling a cab, except a motorized wheelchair would come tow your regular one or give your motorized wheelchair a jump if the battery died. I think there’s a business in there.

The good thing about having “crickets” as your ring tone is that it is only mildly invasive. And fairly pleasing, as ringtones go. I mean, it feels like you’re out in the country on a summer evening. The bad sides: having it go off during a quiet moment at a performance definitely makes the performer feel bad. And when you’re out on a walk in the summer it sounds like everyone is trying to get in touch with you.

What if you were a cricket? How would you ever find another cricket in all that noise? This is what I imagine their conversations are like:

Jiminy Cricket:  Come meet me.

Other Cricket: Where are you?

Jiminy Cricket: I’m by the tree.

Other Cricket: What tree?

Jiminy Cricket: The big tree.

Other Cricket: Can you be more specific?

Jiminy Cricket: It has leaves on it…and it’s next to some blades of grass…you know what, just give a little whistle and I’ll come find you. (Some guide he is…)

It’s State Fair time here in Minnesota and I was saddened to learn the the Pig Barn was almost closed due to swine flu. (Don’t worry, it’s still open.) Remember swine flu? It’s no longer H1N1; we’re up to H3N2v***.  Well, I went a little hog wild coming up with better terms for it: Porky’s Pandemic (or Porcine Pandemic if you want to be taken seriously), Bubonic Babe, the Hamdemic, Pig Plague, and my personal favorite, Swinefluenza.****

I did a quick  search of the phrases that lead people to my blog and here are the top ones/my favorites.

The ones that make sense:

  • variations on Sarah in Small Doses (sarahinsmalldoses, sarah in small doses blog, small doses of sarah, etc.) or my name (sarahwithanh25)
  • titles of blog entries, like Beware the Ides of July and One Funny Mother

The ones that make no sense:

  • dozes peoples is so funnies
  • seis sare
  • tshirt printing with cassette

The hilarious:

  • bo bice
  • best bachelorette in mexico hipster
  • hipster stagette party
  • for those who dont know me im the brides younger sister*****
  • samuel l jackson soothing voice
  • girls continence control belt
  • shoehorn corcoran antique
  • blimp on cover of album
  • a funny thing happened while I was out with my friends
  • it’s all spandex spiderman
  • e-i e-i oh reading response
  • smackdown girl
  • “the+trampoline,+launching+me+into+the+air.+sarah+and+i+were”

and my favorite:

  • my biceps surprised my boyfriend******

*Well really only three. But I needed a title!

**Okay, being allergic to cheese would be worse. But still. What would you do if you encountered poison ivy? Or got the chicken pox. Which no one gets anymore. But still.

***Not to be confused with NKOTB, UB40, C3PO, or other great acronyms from the 80’s.

****If you laugh really hard at those, you might sound like a pig. And just think, bird flu could now be called Avianfluenza. I just realized writing this that “bird flu” and “bird flew” sound the same. Non-English-speakers must get so confused by that. “What’s the big deal about a bird flew?”

*****It’s funny because I’m older than the bride. Ha!

******I’m pretty sure my biceps have never surprised anyone. Especially my boyfriend.

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About Sarah in Small Doses

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3 responses to “A Whole Lot of What ifs*”

  1. Evan Kingston says :

    Awesome punning on the Bubonic Babe!

Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. Versus Literary Journal–Now Live « The Oldest Jokes in the World - September 4, 2012

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