I don’t own property, people, pets, or plants, and, aside from a mild hoarding tendency that a little fear of being eaten will cure, I could pick up and move at any time. No “Not without my daughter,” no “We have to wait for Sparkles the cat to come out from hiding,” no “My aloe plant!” Plus I can drive any land vehicle (manual or automatic—I used to have a 15-passenger van license) so as long as whatever we’re riding in starts, we’re golden. When the zombies come, I can skedaddle in seconds. Just let me throw some things in a bag, empty the garbage and recycling, box up all my books and leave a forwarding address to ship them to, and…oh.
2. No Withdrawal
I don’t smoke, take any drugs (prescribed or otherwise), and I haven’t started drinking coffee yet, so in the zombocalypse (What? It’s totally a word…) I won’t start scrounging for old coffee filters to suck on or lighting up the sweatsocks of old smokers for my nicotine fix. And I don’t have a Googly phone that I will be lost without; my regular intelligence phone holds a charge for at least three days. Also, I know how to operate outmoded technology (see my earlier post “e-i-e-i-Oh no…”) so when the zombie youth of today rise up in revolt, I can beat them back with my vast collection of cassette tapes and floppy floppy disks. Those will definitely make good sling shots and throwing stars.
If you need someone to take the night watch, look to me! I am such a night owl. And I have a ton of patience. I have been single since pretty much before and after the last year of George W. Bush’s first term. Enough said.
4. Dehydration is not an issue
I recently started drinking more water, but before that I could go all day without getting thirsty. And I could go all day without, um, going. You might say, “But Sarah, it’s The Great Zombacle (=zombie debacle) of 2012, won’t people just go anywhere?” No! Did you learn nothing from Zombieland? Just because the undead are after us doesn’t mean we have lost all sense of civilization. Honestly.
I used to work a manual labor job and can fix lots of things as a result. I’m good with a ratchet. I can drill…things. I know the difference between an Allen wrench and a monkey wrench: the monkey wrench says “Oo oo oo ah ah ah” and the Allen wrench just sits there.
See above re: cassette tapes. Also, I used to twirl a baton, which is kind of like swinging nunchuks.
7. Planning and First Aid
I really think we should take to the water. But don’t worry, I used to be a lifeguard, and CPR comes back to people, just like driving a boat. Unfortunately, I have never driven a boat (darn you 30 by 30 list!) But think about it: where is the one place they never, ever show a zombie going? Bodies of water. And space, but we kind of gave up on that, too (NASA forever!) I’m thinking water speeds up the decaying process (although, salt water’s kinda like brine…). But that lurching movement does not work well to propel you in water, trust me. Also, I have broken several bones and know what to do in case of illness or injury. I think I have a book on home remedies somewhere…ooh, I should pack that…
Okay, I used to have a hard time knowing my right from my left and my east from my west (what happens when you turn around or look in a mirror?) But I get it now. West is left and north is up. But seriously, I have an excellent sense of direction.
9. I know people everywhere.
I mean it. Everywhere. We could find shelter with someone I know within 100 miles of any location. I have a huge following in Guam. We’d have to take a boat to get there, though…
I know lots of songs. I give hugs. And I make a mean Irish stew. I bet we could substitute any meat for beef (you can catch squirrel, right?) and I milked a cow once, so that’s helpful. I’m sure I could figure out how to deep-fry Twinkies or something. Plus I know lots of random facts like that kid from Jerry MacGuire—did you know that the dot on a lower case “i” or “j” is called a tittle?–so we can have nightly trivia. You know, when we’re not dodging the undead.
And why you don’t want me on your zombie apocalypse team:
I can swim faster than you can. And I’m not above eating all the Twinkies.